Lecture Notes

Samuel at the park with his little bothers.
I know he gets tired of us non-teenagers.
Such a drag! 

Samuel had a rough morning on Thursday. He had tried sneaking an iTouch to bed the night before and was facing the consequences. He’d been feeling really down about himself, and it doesn’t help when he gets in trouble.

Samuel makes the same mistakes over and over again. For example, every time he sneaks electronics to bed, he gets caught. I don’t know if it’s ADHD or adolescence. He just turned 13 last week, so I am new with the teenage behavior (with my own teenager that is!). I want so much for him to learn from his mistakes. I guess it’s because I try to take a “problem solving approach.” Of course he’s way too emotional about it. He ends up dishing out a lot of negative self talk and then wonders why he can’t change.

I’ve used all of the positive analogies for ADHD that I can. I can’t seem to get him to see that some of his behaviors are legit ADHD behaviors that millions of people deal with everyday. And more importantly, that there little tricks and strategies that people use to help themselves. Am I asking took much of a 13 year old? He says “mom, sometimes, I just forget that I have it.” I’m sure he would like to.

I do not mean to imply that we’re kicking him out when he turns 18, but it’s worth considering that he will be an adult someday. I told him I am trying to help him now to prepare for the future when he’s on his own. I would never tell him this, but he lives like he’s in a fraternity house! He’s messy, he pees all over the place and he smells bad. This I know is typical because I’ve been in a fraternity house, but I digress. 

So I gave him a pep talk about letting me help him and told him that I’m on his side and I’m the parent and he’s the kid, and how much we love him, and I’m just trying to help. I’m sure we’ve all given this talk if we have a teenager in the house.

Later that day we had judo. Cooper wanted to stay after his class to watch Samuel so we lingered outside the dojo for a bit. The leader of the dojo is a great, lovable guy. They pick on their kids a little bit more here, I guess that’s because no French parent is going to sue him for damaging their child’s self esteem. It would never fly in the States, but he is very effective and cherished by the kids. 

After all of the kids were seated, he started into this very stern lecture about growing up. He said that when you turn 18, you’ll pack your bags and move out of your parents’ house. When you live with your parents, you must obey them; you can discuss things with them, but their decisions are final, and if you don’t like it, then you move out. He said that in France, they can quit going to school at age 16, but if your parents support you and you want to continue, you can go on with your education. And you should hope that they will, because you can’t get a good job if you quit at 16. He also told a very personal story about his father working all of the time. His father never came to see his judo competitions, but he knew his father was proud of him. When he had the biggest tournament of all, his father came. It was a very moving story about respecting your parents throughout life, even when you get older. And he told them that your parents are there to help you grow up and become adults.

Well, I couldn’t have felt more validated. It was perfect to have another adult give basically the same talk I had given Samuel that morning. 

One kid started crying— maybe his mom had given a similar talk that morning? I couldn’t really tell what he was saying because his French was even more mumbled through his tears. But the leader responded that judo helps them learn about discipline and respect, and that everyone has problems, but when they came to judo, they leave their problems behind and focus on improving themselves through judo.

Well done! Bravo! Couldn’t have said it better myself. Then I made eye contact with Samuel and smiled at him. 

He looked back at me and whispered “What was he saying? I didn't understand a word of it!”