Great Friends

My last post was about being a great mom. This one is about being a great friend.

I think most of my friends would agree that I am a great mommy friend to have. We all know motherhood is not always fabulous; even though most moms appear to have their acts together, it’s not the reality. 

I’ve always been brutally honest with my friends about my mommy journey, from serving as a panelist about Postpartum Depression to blogging openly about my son’s ADHD. My friends know that I am a nonjudgmental shoulder to cry on or an empathetic listener as we whine over wine.

I have been lucky to have some great crazy mommy friends (whom I referenced in my July 15 blog “Never Giving Up”). I don’t think we could have made it this far without each other and as I said perviously, I know that you will never give up on me.

Enter a chance meeting with an American family from California. We were dropping our kids off for language school and started chatting. The mom said her husband was leaving after the first week. Ah ha! Two American moms, alone with their kids— we should definitely get together!

A week later we finally caught up for a kid-free lunch. Adult conversation— in English! What a treat. 

I was explaining our first experience two years ago and our present trip— I’m even keeping a blog I say, “you should read it!” 

Now some wacky things have happened with my blog and I get interesting feedback from my friends. I didn’t want creepy comments popping up, so I set my privacy settings to just below “stranger danger.”  Still, never really know who reads my posts. A woman from Alaska contacted me once about French language school after somehow finding my blog. 

Turns out my new friend from California also has a blog- one that she started with a girlfriend more than 5 years ago. Her experience of being overwhelmed by baby number two was similar to mine, only her baby number two arrived minutes after its twin. And similar to my experience, she just couldn’t help thinking that everyone else was making it look so easy. Something must have been wrong.

I joined a play group to meet other moms and similarly she joined one; but Barbara and one of her mommy friends started blogging. Then they got picked up by sponsors, then TV shows, then a network. Now Barb and her friend Jen have media partnership that has probably helped millions of moms who felt like something must have been wrong. 

I took a look at the blog and they touch on the same issues that we bitch about in carpool; however, there are lots of moms that don’t have a supportive group of friends. Barb and Jen struck a cord with a lot of women who really needed to hear about what others experienced as moms. And the anonymity of the web was probably a Godsend for the many victims of mommy guilt out there. 

I love that the universe put Barbara in my path. It was great to know that there is a genuine, hopefully growing desire to help each other with this crazy mommy business. I have encountered moms who make me feel inadequate- well, my own son put me in the middle of the curve for God’s sake— but I have more love and gratitude shared with my friends than competition and judgment. I try to be a great mom, but I also try to be a great friend. There are days when I wish I could have done more, reached out more, listened more or laughed more. I try not to take myself too seriously. I’ve gotten so much from my mommy friends; giving back great friendship is the least I can do. 

How cool that we have examples (big and small) of moms who make a difference by being great friends.

Take a look at Barb and Jen’s website if you get a chance: http://jenandbarb.com

Best Mom EVER-

I learned today that Cooper thinks I am the best mom. Samuel quickly interjected that actually, moms fall on a bell curve, and I’m really just in the middle. Ouch. Cooper says that at the bottom of the scale are the terrible moms who tell their kids to do whatever they want, “with no regard for rules whatsoever.” Well we know I am not the worst mom either. I have laid down lots of rules for these guys while in France, just to prove to them that this is no ordinary vacation. 

I don't know why I’m putting so much pressure on myself- or them- to “earn” their summer in France. Or justify it.

Perhaps I’m feeling a little ridiculously extravagant. 

Or maybe as I’ve said before, I just don’t want to leave any part of this “unexperienced.” Today when it was time for Bennett to go to sailing lessons, he said he preferred to stay on the beach and read his book. I repeated— “just to be sure, you have an option of sailing a boat on the Mediterranean, but you’re choosing to sit on the beach and read your book?” Yep. I’ve used the push strategy before with this kid and I decided to acquiesce. Fine. But I will remind him of his tragically short sighted decision later. 

Maybe I don’t want them to take this for granted. The last trip was billed as “once in a lifetime…” and here we are again. Meh. 

Am I trying to justify this trip for my husband and my boss who “let” me take this trip? If I show them how hard we’re working on our French, or how responsible I am with my duties, maybe I will be given this much freedom again? 

Why do I feel so accountable? Guilty? Indebted? Again, a lot of pressure. 

I think it’s because I am a faithful person. Paul says that we don’t behave in order to get God’s love (grace), but we behave in response to God’s love. I feel so thankful for this opportunity that I feel like there’s a proper response. 

It’s been constructed by generations of Christian guilt I suppose. Perhaps, but I wouldn’t be sad if my kids someday believed that they should respect me and behave because I love them, not to earn my love. 

As I thought about it more, I remembered the Spiderman quote- "with great power there must also come great responsibility." That’s something else I try to teach my kids. We don’t feel like we have much power right now in the age of Citizens United and Donald Trump, or terrorist attacks and refugees who need more than we can give. My kids are starting to realize that they are privileged; and with that comes the responsibility to be good stewards of that privilege. 

Come to find out, that quote isn’t just from Spiderman. All good things come from thee, Oh la France! 

"Ils doivent envisager qu’une grande responsabilité est la suite inséparable d’un grand pouvoir." Traditionally attributed to Voltaire, this is first documented from the French National Convention in 1793. Basically, “It is considered that great responsibility follows inseparably from great power.” 

I think my kids respond better to Spiderman. He is a teenage boy after all; but unfortunately for Peter Parker and dozens of other superheroes and Disney characters, the parents are never around to teach these sorts of things. 

I am around and trying my best, even if that only places me in the middle of the curve.

Biot! We still think it's cool, so there.

Today we blew off school activities to go to Biot. It was Saturday after all. Our 7 day bus pass was burning holes in our pockets, so I looked on the map for the farthest, coolest place we could go using our local bus. Viola- Biot! 

Boys in Biot

We went to a Festival of the Templars there last time and my kids fell in love with Biot. Trip advisor says don’t bother spending more than two hours there because there is really not much to see; but this Medieval town high above the Mediterranean, just inland and east of Antibes, looks like a perfect sand castle. 

We did the embarrassing mommy walking tour, where I read aloud from the guide and make the kids pass up really cool looking stuff so they can see all of the stuff in the guide. Like the kittens Samuel found. And the public garden and ampitheatre that weren’t on the map. 

And the playground behind the church with the amazing view.

Well, we got most of the tour done. We had an awesome meal and spoke a ton of French with the lady at the museum and the waitress. I helped the woman in the museum translate some key phrases for her because she doesn’t know much English. “Across from” makes no sense to her— why is it a cross? Apparently she needs to give directions a lot and as I mentioned before, visitors from other countries don’t speak French, but do speak English. I am surprised at how many French people speak no English at all. I was always under the impression that they learned English in school and knew the basics at least.

Really I need to find another word for charming.

We were headed off the map again to scope out the remains of a volcano that produced the rocks that made the kilns that baked the pottery and glass for which Biot is marginally famous, when the thunder sounded and we decided to call it a day. 

House from 1531

Empty vessels in Biot's museum of archeology

We’ll see the volcano next time. I understand it is some volcanic rocks on the side of a mountain in the back of a Biot neighborhood. If you use your imagination, it looks like part of a volcano. It’s a French volcano, what do you expect? Who ever heard of such a thing!? 

Funny post script—

Yesterday I stopped by the grocery after picking the kids up from school so I didn’t have my grocery bag. They wanted to run ahead to the apartment which is just around the corner, so I gave them the key and asked them to leave the gate open so I could get in. Our place is on a locked interior courtyard. The boys like to play video games when they get home before I get them to do their dinner chores, so they went straight inside and got plugged in.

A well meaning neighbor locked the gate, so I couldn’t get in. I tried reaching them on their iPads without success, so I was left to throw frozen peas up to the windows, hoping they would hear the ping ping ping on the windows. Well of course they didn’t, but one of them finally saw my text and came down to let me in. Thank God I had frozen peas; produce is expensive here! 

Naturally people were walking by as I was throwing the frozen peas at the windows and trying to call the boys. In English. I don’t think they noticed :) Bizarre Americans!!

School Days!

Language school meant not a lot of time to write in English. I was trying really hard to think in French and get my kids to speak French. After two days of lessons and activities, my kids weren’t speaking as much French as I had hoped, so I stopped speaking English. That worked a little bit, but also really annoyed them. So I got the idea to offer two prize “Les Grand Prix” at the end of the week— the boy who spoke the best French (which would probably be won by Samuel) and the boy who spoke the most French— and that one would be truly up for grabs. 

Well, it totally worked; lo and behold it was Cooper who really started speaking a lot of French. I just knew it was all in there somewhere. It was great to see him shed his trepidation and go for it. He even said he was doing better at school with the speaking exercises and getting the other kids to speak French. English is really the common language for all of the kids at the language school and despite all of the counselors trying to get them to speak French, many of the kids revert to English.

Just playing Connect Four with my friends from Azerbijan and Latvia, like we do.

I think my kids have learned a lot of French even with our “here and there”approach. I can’t imagine how much they would learn if they stayed at the school for longer. Some of these kids spend weeks here in the summer living on campus or with families and learning French. We spoke to a German teenager who was here for five weeks and this was his third or fourth summer in Antibes. 

On the third day of classes, the boys were begging to come back for another summer. It was so sweet to hear them talking about how much fun they were having and how much they loved it. I have to say it meant a lot for me to hear them say that. I knew it was a big deal to take them away from their friends and home for so long; I was a little worried that they would not appreciate this experience. I guess I am accustomed to thinking that all kids are pretty short sighted (sorry!).

I met a parent who brought her daughter here for five weeks— they’re staying with a host family. I understand that you can learn a lot more French and culture by being “imbedded”- absolutely, but FIVE WEEKS? not sure about that. Sharing a kitchen and living in someone else's house- with my loud kids? That would not end well. Actually it would end with me finding an AirBnB to move to. Anyway— at the beginning of the week, after I had heard mostly English spoken at the school barbecue- I was expressing my worry to her that they wouldn’t learn much French. She replied- “well, at least they’re having fun.” I though - uh- BULLSHIT!? If I went through all of this and it doesn’t all work out and just I look back and say “well, at least they’re having fun!?” Sorry, but no. I send them to summer camp to have fun. I send them to France to speak French. 

Not a bad place to go to school and make new friends. 

And natch, I wish money was no object with my family, but of course it is. This is a big deal for us to do. I could have sent them to Camp Chanco and saved about $12k. I could have rented a really nice house in the Outer Banks; even so, if it rained every day and they were stuck inside watching movies, I would tell you that I still wouldn’t look back and say “well, at least they’re having fun.” I’d be pissed that there was something they missed out on.

So I am so happy that they turned it around this week and really proud of them for trying a lot of new things. At the end of the day, if they decided to study Japanese or something, I will know that this experience planted the seeds that changed them and their approach to all things different. 

Here’s what our week looked like:

Monday- test your French skills! We has to take written and oral exams to determine our levels for the classes. We were all convinced we were a level below where we should have been, but I think it turned out OK.

Tuesday- classes until noon, then Samuel had a field trip to Monaco, Bennett went to France’s version of Sea World and Cooper went to Cannes. I stayed after my class and had lunch with two friends that I made- a Norwegian and a Swiss. I wasn't convinced that I was getting enough practice speaking in class, so I considered adding intensive courses each afternoon. After a lovely lunch speaking a ton of French with them, I figured the intensive courses were $150 and the lunch was $10, so I’d just have lunch with them every day at school and save some money! Awesome. And I got to try French cafeteria food :)

Wednesday- classes until noon, then Samuel and I went out for Sushi- don’t laugh, it was the best I’ve ever had. The rice was delicious, now I know! Bennett went to the beach and Cooper got to go sailing. I was pretty excited that he got to go to sailing lessons, so after lunch I went to take some pictures. After checking in with a sailing instructor, I learned that the group on the water was from the school. I positioned myself perfectly on a jetty to catch the boats coming in and snapped away. Not one of them was Cooper, but I got some great shots of other children sailing! 

Sailing lessons on the Mediterranean.

Here they come, shepherded by the guys in boats.
It was so orderly and controlled. I don't know how they do it.

Thursday- classes until noon, then Samuel got ice cream with friends, Bennett got to sail and Cooper went to Marineland. He was excited to see the orcas but sadly, no pirranahs, so he was a bit disappointed. I’m not really sure why he thought he was entitled to see piranhas in France, but I don’t think Orcas are from here either. I walked my two friends home near Juan les Pins and realized that if I continued over the hilltop, I could see that town. After being here for so long the first time and now, I had never been there. It’s like Virginia Beach to Norfolk. More beach tourists, more hotels, overpriced oceanfront restaurants, even a board walk. I was disappointed to find that 80% of the beaches are private. To hang out on their beaches, you need to rent chairs and umbrellas from the hotels. Bummer. No wonder everyone raves about Antibes’ beaches. I walked quite a bit, trying to scope out a cool beach for me and the kids sometime. I sat on a bench to check out my map and realized I had been walking for three hours. I was so exhausted, I legs were still tired the next day!! I thought for sure I was going to come home fat this time because we weren’t touring so much- not a chance. Thankfully I got a bus back to Antibes with time to spare for a quick “do-do”- French for nap. I collapsed.

Juan les Pin- a little more elegant than Antibes, but not as charming.

Friday- classes until noon, then Samuel got ice cream with friends (hmmm, maybe he’s the one who’s coming home fat!?), Bennett went to Cannes and Cooper went to the beach. I had my last intensive lunch with my friends and we all said goodbye. My swiss friend said- I thought Americans were so stiff, but I really had fun with you! Aww- Friday after noon, I put the finishing touches on the itinerary for Taylor’s stay next week and made reservations. I was so dreading making the call to the hotel because French is hard, but over the phone— really hard! Luckily it all worked out and we’re heading to the Gorges of Verdon while he’s here to do some guided mountain biking. That region is described at France’s Grand Canyon and we’re all really excited to see it. 

How were my kids getting around to all of these things? Well I’m glad you asked. We covered this yesterday in my intensive lunch :) After day two of riding the public bus up to campus with the kids to get them settled, I let them ride the bus without me for the rest of the week. Each afternoon, I would either recoup them at one of their outings (if I could find them, which was not always a given) or I would ride the bus up to campus and wait for their return. The counselors didn’t always know where my kids were or when they would return (exactly). Now this is all quite unsettling for the American Mother. In Europe, they let their kids go to the market, ride the bus, go to school every day without adults around to supervise. Every. Day. Even my new friends know that American Mothers do not do this. 

Coming home from school-- LOOK Cooper had a nutella waffle in Cannes! (I hope that comes out in the wash!)

It wasn’t always like this for the American Mother. I remember going lots of places alone when I was a kid. When we’re in Antibes, my kids go lots of places without me. Taylor noticed this the first time he came. When we reached the old town- our kids disappeared! I know this is one of the things my kids like about being here. Ah- confidence! That and walkability. My kids can walk anywhere they want to go- bookstore, toy store, bakery, comic book store, beach. Definitely a good reason to choose a place like Antibes. Even this American Mother can let go a bit.

Vive la Difference

In response to a friend’s question- how is this time different for my kids— I thought I would ask them over dinner last night. 

Ironically, we returned to the restaurant where my kids had an epic meltdown during one of our first nights in Antibes in 2014. After that stressful night, I think the waitress felt sorry for me and went out of her way to be kind to us the next few times we saw her, including once in the street when she didn’t hesitate to come over and greet us. Of course she recognized us immediately last week when we poked our heads in to say hello. I would like to think we somehow endeared ourselves to her, but she probably remembers us for the kids’ bad behavior and me welling up with tears and regret. 

Dinner last night definitely went better than two years ago, mostly because the kids are older and have fewer meltdowns. There were also a lot of kids out being loud and playing in the street near us, so my kids were calm in comparison. The difference could also be my approach. I was so worried about them misbehaving last time until I realized that the French are very forgiving about kids behaving like kids. Other than being loud in the apartment near the neighbors, or at times when were are in close proximity with others who are being quiet (the bus or at restaurants), I am letting a lot of kid behavior go without a big fuss. To be honest, it never bothers me, but it bothers the hell out of our family members, the neighbors, people in church, teachers at school, people trying to have dinner in a nice restaurant— some of you understand.

Cooper is distressed when his Kinder bueno is hidden inside another package inside another package--
 and we thought the French were so environmentally friendly!!

Cooper says that he is “not so enthusiastic” this time; when I asked what he meant, he said that this time he knows what to expect about France this time. I like his choice of words— but I wouldn’t say my kids lack enthusiasm. If my kids like a place, they beg to return. I’ve mentioned this before— my kids crave routine, even in a new environment where it’s difficult to establish. Samuel almost seemed disappointed to return to Antibes after our recent trip to Toulon and Nimes because he was thrilled to see new things. At the same time he drove me CRAZY in Marseille because we didn't have a plan for the unexpected layover. Bleh! Tough crowd.

Although Cooper is less anxious about being in France, I think he is more anxious about speaking French than last time. He asks me repeatedly how to say something before he tries it out. He now knows what he doesn’t know and he has been the most enthusiastic about learning French this time. He has asked me to read a book we bought here each night and translate along the way so he can learn the words. It’s exhausting for me at the end of the day but he loves it. 

King of the world- Benoit!

Bennett says the biggest difference is that they’re speaking more French. Pardon my French but that’s a bunch of crap. In 2014 I was prepping them with videos, online exercises and tutoring before we came. This time I was too busy to pull that off. I think they did retain a lot more than I thought they had, and I was proud of the amount of French they spoke in Cannes and Toulon last week. I wish they spoke more French, but it’s hard when they are with each other. The real proof will be this week as they attend language school with kids from all over the world whose only common language is (supposed to be) French. Bennett totally looks French; people often assume he is French until he speaks with his American accent, but I really think he sounds great.

Mr. Cool Guy-- and yes we brought a skateboard, two in fact!!

Samuel is so cocky. He told someone two years ago that he was fluent in French. Gotta love it. He will talk to strangers in French without any hesitation. He also enjoys talking to strangers in English, German, and affected English accent. His French is really coming along and he wants to get rid of any trace of his American accent. Aim high Samuel! He’s going to get a lot out of the school this week, which is fabulous. He is also the most taken with the diversity of kids at the school. He is very interested an aware of global politics; he absolutely blew away an English couple on the beach when he could discuss not only their new Foreign Minister, but Brexit, of course, and Scottish independence (in a Scottish accent, PS). He buddied up with a girl from Russia last time who we met up with later in London and kept in touch, so I am hopeful he’ll make some connections again. This is where he really shines. Other kids have sports, Samuel has this.

I think the biggest difference this time is that we are here in the summer. While I was fearful that we would be surrounded by tourists, many of them seem to be from elsewhere in France. I am not hearing as much English as I thought I would, which is great for our French. Everyone around us is on vacation, so there are more kids out and about in the daytime. Everything is open, whereas last time it was off-season.We get to see Antibes as the bustling tourist destination that is. And we get to swim- the beaches were too cold to swim last time, but fine to picnic. People just assume we’re here on vacation like they are; there’s no difficult answer about homeschooling or why we chose Antibes. This time it is a vacation and it’s less weird (well, it’s still us, so that’s always a little weird). The last experience was more interesting than a mom and three boys on summer vacation in the South of France. I didn’t want to make a big deal out of it. That’s precisely why I didn't think I could write a very entertaining blog (and maybe it’s not!).

Because we’re here in the summer, my kids have a summer mentality about studying French. I scheduled time during our first few days here to have some home lessons on French for the boys. You would have thought I was torturing them— SCHOOL in the SUMMER!?  I knew it would be an uphill battle; in fact, two years ago, a lot of my friends asked why I didn’t just wait and do our experience in the summer. I explained that we would be doing school in France and I knew my kids wouldn’t want to do that in the summer time.

Bennett and Samuel chat up the German and Italian girls. 

I’ve talked to a few kids at the language school for whom this sort of thing is the norm. I guess if Americans could send their kids to an intensive language summer camp in another country just a few hours away by train, maybe more of us would do it. 

I think the differences I see in my kids this time is that they have more confidence to speak another language, ride trains and buses and eat different foods. I think they have met more people from more countries than most adults I know, and having done this before, they think that’s expected. They don’t see France as a monolith, so hopefully they won’t paint other countries or people with a broad brush either. And this time they understand that spending long periods of time in another country isn’t weird, it’s fun. Vive la difference!

Taylor- you wondered what we'd do without beach chairs-- you can use this one when you come!

French Immersion- thanks to Norfolk, Virginia.

Who knew spending time with friends we know from Norfolk would give us so much practice speaking our French?

Monday we met long time friend Nicolas in Cannes to return his son Remy from what we all agreed was the coolest sleepover ever. We upped the cool factor by hosting him on another continent. Of course the things they wanted to do most were build Legos and play video games. 

Boys will be boys, even with all that Antibes has to offer, they wanted to hang out and play video games.
Not to worry, I eventually got them outside!

Bennett and Remy have been friends since they were two and we always knew they would eventually share some worldly adventures together. Nicolas is French Canadian and has an apartment in Cannes. Remy speaks to his father in French here and there but I can never get him and Bennett to speak French, even in France. 

Nicolas was a great host and showed us around Cannes with his sister and niece who speak mostly French. The result was an amazing mixture of French and English all day and into the evening. My boys used more French than ever so far on this trip. We had to drag Samuel out of the museum (as usual) and up the steps to the top of the castle overlooking Cannes and its harbor. 

We shared a traditional French dinner with numerous courses and because it was owned by gypsies, tableside entertainment before dessert. It seemed like such a family affair with kids at one end of the table and adults at the other. My boys taught Jasmine and Remy how to balance spoons on their noses, for which I think the French gypsies shall be forever thankful. (How did they get through those long dinners without that trick? They must have some of their own). 

Of course Whenever you do something with families there's a lot of waiting around. This was the case when we met our friends in Toulon the next day. Marie was thrilled that we came to see her at her mother's house where they are staying in advance of her husband's transfer to Paris. 

Larchmont Elementary has had several French families since we've been there thanks to NATO. We became so close with them that their son Donovan served as French tutor and sometimes babysitter. 

This was great for us because I don't know all of the cuss words and slang that my kids want to learn, so having a surly teenage French boy around boy was just the thing. 

Actually it was very touching to watch Donovan and Elya grow up over the past three years. Donovan experienced the arc of starting out French, becoming American and then returning to his French style at the end. Elya was a little American girl from the beginning but spoke no English at all when she arrived. I was heartbroken to see her leave our neighborhood and her first school. 

After a brief tour of Toulon and lunch, Marie's friend drove us up the tiny mountain roads high above Toulon to his basement studio apartment. A gracious host, Ludovick arranged for an extra rollaway bed and we crammed into the tiny space with no AC. That lasted about 5 minutes and we were all outside to enjoy the view. 

Piling into the car with Marie and her friend to head high above Toulon 

We opted for another family dinner; this time it was a picnic at a grey sand beach in Seyne sur Mer. Not before a couple of hours of packing the picnic (I almost got arrested for going the wrong way out of the produce section-- another story, really-- how was I supposed to know I needed to weigh my watermelon?), wrangling children and waiting out Navy base traffic. Yes, that's a thing in Toulon and - yes-- it's Norfolk's sister city! Apparently that's one of the questions on the Sister City application for Norfolk. 

And so, finally to the beach. The kids were turned off by the leaves at the bottom of the water, but were soon enticed to swim when Cooper discovered something to jump off of-- this is a common theme. "We've got jumpers!"

Picnic dinner and it was time to pack up- again! Ah-- these family affairs are difficult to coordinate! Sadly, our goodbyes for the evening were also our goodbyes for Marie and her family. We had rushed through our "see ya laters" in Norfolk because I knew I would we had plans see them again in Toulon. This was for real and I found myself with tears and we left the beach and our friends. 

Sleeping without AC was a challenge after Cooper saw a mosquito and we were all convinced we would get attacked like the time we were in Florence (That shit is for real!) and I closed all of the windows. We survived and once again I was impressed that my kids put up with all of the wacky adventures I keep throwing at them. Honest to God-- they are incredible at rolling with it. 

Garage apartment was really one big room- we made the most of it with a rollaway bed and fans.

Of course all if this uncertainty and chaos may have something to do with my son's anxiety disorder, but I'm just gonna say for the record I'm having nothing to do with that. And if somebody gets diagnosed with a paranoid disorder, I'm blaming the mosquitos. 

Such a great time with our friends, and so thankful that my village now includes France!

Elya and Cooper enjoy a swim and jumping off a pier together.

Never giving up

So many things have been going through our heads and hearts since we got the news early this morning about the attack in Nice. 

Samuel got in my bed at 1:20. He received a notification on his phone and couldn't get back to sleep. We've been to nice a few times and know the Promenade des Anglais well. Since it's only a ten minute train ride, we had considered going to Nice to see the fireworks if the Nimes trip didn't work out. 

When it was Nice Ville- On the Promenade d'Anglais in 2014.

Samuel was inconsolable with anxiety; not about our safety but because it is a problem he can't figure out. If you know my boy genius he doesn't deal well with questions he doesn't have answers to. 

I had to weigh Samuels resulting anxiety of missing out on some sites in Nimes against the anxiety of not getting enough sleep and chose to let him sleep in. We missed the gardens and the Galois tower that is a huge source of pride here-- it was built long before the Romans arrived and is an example of an advanced ancient French society. 

The major collection of Antiquities is in storage during renovations and we really missed out. Instead we saw a temporary reduced collection and visited the famous arena. More about that later (maybe)-- but my thoughts on the attack:

Today, people were moving on. Trains are running on time (mostly), people are out and in the cafes and I haven't seen the ubiquitous TV coverage like I would be in the US. I haven't even overheard people talking about it. We noticed armed security in the train stations and some bomb sniffing dogs.

The train we take to Antibes is always marked "Nice Ville;" in fact it's a little joke we always say, "and it IS a nice ville, isn't it?" When we were finally making our connection train today, Cooper pulled me back by the hand and said "oh no mommy, do we have to go to Nice?" He was very worried. He had said something to me earlier today about how awful the attack was because it was so close to Antibes. I tried to reassure him but I think he's nervous. He and Bennett were talking about which car on a train was the safest is it the first one in case the train is in an accident-- but what if it has a head on collision.... These are worries I don't remember them expressing before. 

The worst thing about this is that I had to sit down with my children and talk seriously about an emergency plan. Previously, we've talked about getting lost as our worst case scenario, but today we talked about what to do if there's an emergency and they can't find me or maybe they think they WONT find me, like I've been hurt.  Once again weighing the anxiety created by talking about this stuff and the importance of preparing them just in case. The thing is, I've always worried about them getting taken or going missing. As remote of an occurrence that is, it's the one we've always talked about it. 

Once, when one of these child captives came out and told her story, she said she kidnappers had convinced her that her parents had stopped looking for her. I remembered telling my kids that day that I would NEVER stop looking for them-- no matter what. Even if they chose to run away, I will never give up. I will never stop loving them.

This was so clear on Thursday. When we got dropped off on the side of the road by a taxi (yes, I will explain that later), we made our way over to the only group of people that had already assembled, a group of women about my age.  They immediately started talking to us-- we had HOURS to wait for the caravan and the race, so we might as well make friends, and we've all got at least one crazy ass thing in common to be standing in the dirt and cigarette butts on the side of the road in the middle of NOWHERE. Anyway, we were talking and I noticed a couple of them had t-shirts with a teenagers face on them. I thought maybe he was a hometown kid in the race. Then they unfurled a big banner, same face and big letters -- disparu! They told me this kid had gone missing in early March. One of the more enthusiastic moms was shouting orders and came over from across the road-- same shirt. I said- oh is she the boy's mother? No. A friend? "Not really. She's part of the association." The group of people looking for him. Many people have been helping the family for months since he disappeared. 

These ladies were dedicated. Just as the caravan started to arrive, they literally wrapped themselves in the banner to hold it up for the TV cameras. They asked people to take pictures of the banner for FaceBook, even me for "American Facebook." After the peloton passed and helicopters were passing behind us, they quickly turned their big banner around, hoping to catch their attention. They had another banner across the street and a bigger one laying down in the middle of the roundabout for the TV helicopters. They passed out flyers to the cars stopped to turn around. These ladies weren't giving up. Never. 

I told my boys-- "see like I told you-- if anything happens to you, I will never stop looking. I'll be out there with my crazy mom friends and we'll never give up." 

After the race, One of our new friends drove us back to town. Fabian is a middle school teacher-- teaches Latin, French literature aNd Ancient Greek. To middle schoolers. Samuel was green with envy. 

Later that night we were heading to the fireworks. The streets of Nimes were filled as I had expected. There was a street festival as well as the fireworks that night. Bands were playing in the different squares around the old city. I was wondering why people weren't making their way over to the garden when it was time to go. We walked away from the street festival and over to the boulevard. I started to get the sense we were going in the wrong direction because crowds of people were walking the opposite way. I asked a lady who told us the fireworks had been cancelled. I assumed at the time that it was because of the wind. The mighty mistral had affected the Tour de France earlier that day, the ending of the stage had been moved off of Mt. Ventoux  due to dangerous winds. We turned back and headed through the street festival and back to our apartment. My sister called me almost immediately to check on us. We hadn't heard anything. She had few details. A Google search only turned up an old airport scare so I texted Taylor. He hadn't heard anything either. 

Samuel's notification confirmed it and another search turned up the tragic details. I hopped on line and the messages and phone calls all popped up. I put up a quick Facebook post to tell my friends and family that we were OK. After my restless night with Samuel, he fell asleep around 6 am. When I got out of bed at 9am and checked my Facebook for news, there you were. 

All of my crazy mommy friends, and my daddy friends and all of my friends, first 50, then 100 ---searching for me, checking on me. I was so touched to know that if anything ever happened to me or my family, all of you would be there for us just like those ladies on the side of the road, just like you were there for me this morning, letting me know that you would never forget about me, never stop looking. NEVER.