Never giving up

So many things have been going through our heads and hearts since we got the news early this morning about the attack in Nice. 

Samuel got in my bed at 1:20. He received a notification on his phone and couldn't get back to sleep. We've been to nice a few times and know the Promenade des Anglais well. Since it's only a ten minute train ride, we had considered going to Nice to see the fireworks if the Nimes trip didn't work out. 

When it was Nice Ville- On the Promenade d'Anglais in 2014.

Samuel was inconsolable with anxiety; not about our safety but because it is a problem he can't figure out. If you know my boy genius he doesn't deal well with questions he doesn't have answers to. 

I had to weigh Samuels resulting anxiety of missing out on some sites in Nimes against the anxiety of not getting enough sleep and chose to let him sleep in. We missed the gardens and the Galois tower that is a huge source of pride here-- it was built long before the Romans arrived and is an example of an advanced ancient French society. 

The major collection of Antiquities is in storage during renovations and we really missed out. Instead we saw a temporary reduced collection and visited the famous arena. More about that later (maybe)-- but my thoughts on the attack:

Today, people were moving on. Trains are running on time (mostly), people are out and in the cafes and I haven't seen the ubiquitous TV coverage like I would be in the US. I haven't even overheard people talking about it. We noticed armed security in the train stations and some bomb sniffing dogs.

The train we take to Antibes is always marked "Nice Ville;" in fact it's a little joke we always say, "and it IS a nice ville, isn't it?" When we were finally making our connection train today, Cooper pulled me back by the hand and said "oh no mommy, do we have to go to Nice?" He was very worried. He had said something to me earlier today about how awful the attack was because it was so close to Antibes. I tried to reassure him but I think he's nervous. He and Bennett were talking about which car on a train was the safest is it the first one in case the train is in an accident-- but what if it has a head on collision.... These are worries I don't remember them expressing before. 

The worst thing about this is that I had to sit down with my children and talk seriously about an emergency plan. Previously, we've talked about getting lost as our worst case scenario, but today we talked about what to do if there's an emergency and they can't find me or maybe they think they WONT find me, like I've been hurt.  Once again weighing the anxiety created by talking about this stuff and the importance of preparing them just in case. The thing is, I've always worried about them getting taken or going missing. As remote of an occurrence that is, it's the one we've always talked about it. 

Once, when one of these child captives came out and told her story, she said she kidnappers had convinced her that her parents had stopped looking for her. I remembered telling my kids that day that I would NEVER stop looking for them-- no matter what. Even if they chose to run away, I will never give up. I will never stop loving them.

This was so clear on Thursday. When we got dropped off on the side of the road by a taxi (yes, I will explain that later), we made our way over to the only group of people that had already assembled, a group of women about my age.  They immediately started talking to us-- we had HOURS to wait for the caravan and the race, so we might as well make friends, and we've all got at least one crazy ass thing in common to be standing in the dirt and cigarette butts on the side of the road in the middle of NOWHERE. Anyway, we were talking and I noticed a couple of them had t-shirts with a teenagers face on them. I thought maybe he was a hometown kid in the race. Then they unfurled a big banner, same face and big letters -- disparu! They told me this kid had gone missing in early March. One of the more enthusiastic moms was shouting orders and came over from across the road-- same shirt. I said- oh is she the boy's mother? No. A friend? "Not really. She's part of the association." The group of people looking for him. Many people have been helping the family for months since he disappeared. 

These ladies were dedicated. Just as the caravan started to arrive, they literally wrapped themselves in the banner to hold it up for the TV cameras. They asked people to take pictures of the banner for FaceBook, even me for "American Facebook." After the peloton passed and helicopters were passing behind us, they quickly turned their big banner around, hoping to catch their attention. They had another banner across the street and a bigger one laying down in the middle of the roundabout for the TV helicopters. They passed out flyers to the cars stopped to turn around. These ladies weren't giving up. Never. 

I told my boys-- "see like I told you-- if anything happens to you, I will never stop looking. I'll be out there with my crazy mom friends and we'll never give up." 

After the race, One of our new friends drove us back to town. Fabian is a middle school teacher-- teaches Latin, French literature aNd Ancient Greek. To middle schoolers. Samuel was green with envy. 

Later that night we were heading to the fireworks. The streets of Nimes were filled as I had expected. There was a street festival as well as the fireworks that night. Bands were playing in the different squares around the old city. I was wondering why people weren't making their way over to the garden when it was time to go. We walked away from the street festival and over to the boulevard. I started to get the sense we were going in the wrong direction because crowds of people were walking the opposite way. I asked a lady who told us the fireworks had been cancelled. I assumed at the time that it was because of the wind. The mighty mistral had affected the Tour de France earlier that day, the ending of the stage had been moved off of Mt. Ventoux  due to dangerous winds. We turned back and headed through the street festival and back to our apartment. My sister called me almost immediately to check on us. We hadn't heard anything. She had few details. A Google search only turned up an old airport scare so I texted Taylor. He hadn't heard anything either. 

Samuel's notification confirmed it and another search turned up the tragic details. I hopped on line and the messages and phone calls all popped up. I put up a quick Facebook post to tell my friends and family that we were OK. After my restless night with Samuel, he fell asleep around 6 am. When I got out of bed at 9am and checked my Facebook for news, there you were. 

All of my crazy mommy friends, and my daddy friends and all of my friends, first 50, then 100 ---searching for me, checking on me. I was so touched to know that if anything ever happened to me or my family, all of you would be there for us just like those ladies on the side of the road, just like you were there for me this morning, letting me know that you would never forget about me, never stop looking. NEVER.