If you go on a little road trip to have fun, you'll have to cross over some mountains. To get to the mountains, you'll probably need to navigate some roundabouts. The roundabouts will get so confusing that you might get lost. A couple of times. When you get lost, you'll probably need to take a few u-turns. The u-turns will be difficult because you are in the middle of nowhere. Being in the middle of nowhere will upset your kids. When your kids get upset, they’ll start crying. When the kids cry, it will piss you off. You might start to yell.
When you yell, you’ll have to remind yourself that you are on vacation. So you start joking around to make everyone happy again. When you joke around, you may stop paying attention to how many kilometers you've traveled. You're probably going to get lost again, which means you need to take some more u-turns.
When you take more u-turns, one of your kids will probably get car sick. That will make you think about that beach towel you packed in case someone gets car sick. You'll probably start thinking about how smart you are to bring a beach towel to the mountains. Just when you’re thinking about how smart you are, you’ll probably notice that you're not in the mountains. You're still lost. You may even have to drive the wrong way down a one way street.
Going the wrong way down the street will make you feel like a stupid American in a Chevy Chase movie. You may start to laugh. Laughing will make you have to pee, so you’ll look for a public bathroom. Because you are in France, you're not going to find a public bathroom. So you’ll go to a parimutuel bar to use the bathroom. When you go to a bar to use the bathroom, you have to buy a Coke. For everyone.
The Coke will make the car sick child feel better. Until you get to the mountains. When you approach the mountains, your going to have to take some hairpin turns. You'll start turning. And turning. The car sick child will probably need to puke into the beach towel. When he pukes in the beach towel, you might not think buying him a Coke was a good idea. You'll start doubting your choices.
When you doubt your choices, you may express doubt to your spouse. When you express doubt to your spouse, your children will smell your uncertainty. They'll start bitching and questioning why we are going to the mountains to mountain bike when they don't even mountain bike. You might start to worry even more. You’ll worry until you cross the mountain pass with a view of the natural gorges and lake. The view of the lake will make everyone feel better.
The lake will remind the kids that they like to swim. They’re probably going to ask you for their swimsuits. When you remember that you packed the bathing suits, you’ll also realize that there's only one beach towel-- and it's covered in Coke puke. Thinking about the beach towel will remind you that you’re going mountain biking, not the beach.
You’ll start looking for the mountain biking place. And you’ll get lost. Getting lost will remind your kids that this sucks and so does mountain biking. You’ll probably start to worry again. Worrying will upset your husband who navigates you to a little town. Seeing the little town will remind the kids that they don’t want to go mountain biking anyway; and you’ll insist on buying a map. Buying a map will probably give your husband just enough time alone in the car to find your way on the GPS. You’ll start driving.
When you stop driving, you’ll be greeted by a messy looking caretaker. The caretaker will make you think you made another bad decision. You may start worrying again. Worrying will remind you that you’re hungry. You’ll ask the caretaker guy for time to have a picnic. He’ll look at his watch. When he looks at his watch, he’s going to tell you that you’re over an hour late. You’ll have to eat quickly.
After a quick lunch, you’ll be ready for the mountain biking. When you see the caretaker guy, he’s changed into his biking outfit. He’s probably going to be your guide. He’ll start teaching you how to mountain bike. In French.
When you mountain bike in France, you’re probably going to see some lavender fields. And they’re beautiful. The beautiful lavender fields will remind you that even if you don’t love mountain biking, this is a cool way to see the sites up close. You may even see the mountains and gorges from the trail. Being on the trail will remind you that you don’t know how to ride a mountain bike off road. You might get a little scared. Being scared will be fun for the kids. They’ll probably have a great time and not want the mountain bike tour to end. But it does end.
When it ends, you’ll start driving to your hotel. You won’t get lost. Seeing the hotel will make the kids ask to jump in the pool. They’re going to need their bathing suits. When you get their bathing suits, you’ll see the Coke puke beach towel. You'll probably want to wash it. You’ll start washing. And washing. When the towel is clean, you’ll need to hang it on the balcony. When you’re on the balcony, you’ll see the kids in the pool having fun. When you see them having fun, you’ll remember that you’re on vacation and you should have fun too.
And when you think about having fun on your vacation, you plan a little road trip.
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